I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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