SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
