nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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