I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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