I hate all girls vehemently.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
