I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
