I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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