Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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