Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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