Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
