i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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