Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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