I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
