i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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