I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
