On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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