Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
