saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
