i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
