If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
