Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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