i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
