First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
