Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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