i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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