when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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