We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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