My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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