I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
