I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
