I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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