if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
