I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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