there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
