I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
