"it" just moved
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
