ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
