He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
