Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
