Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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