People in love make me want to vomit
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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