the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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