pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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