I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
