Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
