God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
