she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
