oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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