God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
