I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
