Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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