I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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