I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize