she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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