I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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