Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
