that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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