insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We have so much sex to catch up on
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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