if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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